I'm who I'm meant to be!

Motherhood is a tricky, sometimes stressful thing. If it was just a mom and her kids it would be one thing but the world feels like it has to insert itself into the lives of everyone else.

I have been praised by some by how amazing and fantastic I am. I have also been told I shouldn't be a mom and my kids deserve someone else to raise them into well adjusted adults. WOW! What a huge difference between those two statements. Throughout my life I have been very worried and concerned about what others think of me. Hiding parts of myself that I felt others wouldn't approve of or like, pretending to be someone I'm not to please those around me. Unless you have never left your house you know that not everyone likes and is into the same things. That meant I had to let different parts of me out when around different people. This is not, and was not healthy! My life has changed so much, for the better, because of my kids. I find myself caring less what others think about me and more about what I think of me, and what my God thinks of me. Just a few years ago if I was told something negative it would have crushed me. I would have changed myself right way to fix "what was wrong with me". As the few haters tell me I am an awful mom and need to change to raise my kids the way they think they should be raised, it does hurt for a minute and I may even stew over it for a while. But I will not change the way I am choosing to raise and teach my children. My choices have not been made lightly. I have thought, studied and discussed with Ryan for hours over every major decision we have made about our children. In this life of social media, living under a magnifying glass, and haters hiding behind a keyboard we need to remember to be who we are. It may have taken me having kids to find my strength but I hope it doesn't take others as long. Be proud of who you are. Make decisions based on what makes you happy not what makes others happy.

I know a lot of people have seen the movie "The Greatest Showman" I went with my mom and sister to see it in the theaters and loved it but that was a year ago. Santa was kind enough to give it to me for Christmas so Chloe and I have watched it together a few times. I know I am not the only one to fall in love with the song "This is Me" such a powerful message!!

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

The world has taught me/us to be ashamed of all our scars some physical but mostly emotional scars. But we have to stay strong and true to ourselves. I am learning to be brave, I am bruised but not broken, I am who I am meant to be. It is definitely a learning curve to get out of the old habits and you will lose friends along the way as you let your true self show but it is so freeing to be who I am and be the mother that I am without the care of what others think. Like I said it may hurt and I may stew for a bit but I won't make me change who I am. I know as I keep living life this way I will get better at it and care what others think of me less and less. I am so grateful for my closes friends that I never felt like I had to hide my true self to. I am so grateful that my Mom and Dad raised us in a way that they felt right and I'm sure they got crap for it but I know they did an amazing job! I was taught to question everything and learn for myself, never take just another persons word for it but to learn and study on our own so we could know for ourselves and make the decision for ourselves. That is so important because then when others doubt your choices you can confidently know you made an educated decision and don't have to flip flop with ever new opinion. Thank you Mom and Dad for that!

I hope all my friends know that even if we don't have the same opinion or belief I will love and respect you regardless.

Stay strong friends and don't let the world break you down to dust!

More About Me

For my first post I thought I would tell you a little more about me and my blog. Now I am not usually an eloquent writer but it is therapeutic for me to type out what I am feeling. So bare with me if it isn't as professional as other blogs. I just want to share my thoughts and feeling.

I am married to a wonderful hard working man. Ryan is a truck driver and most nights he is able to come home and just do local runs. But his job does put him on the road 3-4 days a week sometimes. He works so hard and such long hours so I can stay home with our girls. I know that doesn't work for every family and it does make money tight for us at times but it is so good for me to be in the home with the kids. We have been married for almost 5 years and it has been wonderful. Not to say we haven't had our struggles. We have stressed over money and bills, moved way too many times. lived in 3 different towns. I know this sounds like a cliche but I am glad we had such a hard beginning because we made it through together. It has made us stronger and helped us learn what works for us and our marriage.

Chloe is our oldest at 10 years old. She has an attitude the size of a 16 year old lol. But she is so excited to learn and help that it makes up for the hard days. Up until recently she was living with her mom full time and with us every other weekend during the school year and every other week during the summer. A few months ago we moved to the same town her mom lives in so we could have her in our home more. Around the same time some things changed in her moms life that made it so she didn't have child care after school. So for the time being she is with us 5 days a week and with her mom the other two. It has been an adjustment for all involved but it has been such a blessing and we love having her with us more. Her little sisters just adore her! Having her home after school has given us the chance to bake and cook together. She makes cookies better then I do. She is so eager to learn and be involved. I am so grateful we were able to live so close to have her with us more!

Allie turns two next month. She is such a bright young girl. She is learning so much and copies everything her big sister does. They are such good friends you wouldn't guess they had an 8 year age gap. Allie loves to be in charge and will try to boss everyone around including Mom and Dad if we would let her. She is the leader of the pack for our two dogs and they listen to every command she gives. (even thought she only knows so many words) When she was a baby my brother in law said that babies are fun but wait till they are 2 or three it is so much fun. At first I thought he was joking because how could a kid in the middle of the "terrible twos" be better then my adorable brand new baby. Now that she is almost 2 I understand completely. She is so much fun and such a joy in my life!

Oakley our 8 month old. Although we didn't plan to have our kids 14 months apart she has been such a blessing and I am now glad they are so close because they are already close friends. Allie looks out for Oakley and gets mad if she gets left at home with Dad or if she goes down for a nap and misses out on the fun. Not only did Oakley make an early appearance in our family she also made an early appearance in the world. She was born 6 weeks early. She had to spend the first month of her life in the NICU. It was a very hard time for our family but now seems like a distant memory.


Now to me.... I sometimes feel like my identity is completely wrapped up in my kids and that I am a boring person with out them. Because they are so young and the youngest two are so close it requires 99% of my life and time. I love them so much and I love being a mom but I am working on bringing myself back so I can still be me with out them. I know part of the reason I lost myself over the past year is the depression and anxiety I have been dealing with. Some days it so hard to face life I couldn't get out of bed longer then just feeding my kids and heading back to my safe warm bed. I normally don't share the dark part of my life and I don't like to admit that some days the TV is on all day and I accomplish nothing. That in turn makes me feel guilty and then more depressed. But I am working on getting past that and sharing my thoughts in this blog is one way I am trying to get out of my head and back to the the happy, loving person I know I have inside me. I have also started crocheting again and am making a blanket for the little girls crib. Chloe has already put in an order for what kind of blanket she wants after I finish the baby blanket. I joined a gym this week as well. Its time to get my body, mind and soul healthy again.


I am not going to lie I ended up sharing more there then I originally planned but I think it is what I needed to share. So if you want to live the ups and downs with me on this crazy adventure and see where life and this blog takes us then feel free to follow me. I don't really have a game plan for what I'll share on this blog but whatever I decide to share that week will be me....the good, the bad and the ugly truth.








(We don't have an updated family photo. So here is one from a year and a half ago before Oakley and one from last week of Oakley. Guess I'll add family pictures to the top of my list.)